Twice Hopeless
by RosemaryBagels
Summary: Ludwig was fine. He was holding it together. His breathing was slow his mind was calm he was relaxed in his chair and not panicking. Right? Wrong. With Feliciano... temporarily out of the picture and Lovino heading into town for the first time in years, can anything remain the same? A GerIta/Germano conflict with a side of PruAus. Warning: Too much angst. So much, It's rated M.
1. Present Tense

**Warnings: AAAAAAAAANGST!**

Ludwig was fine. He was holding it together. His breathing was slow his mind was calm he was relaxed in his chair and not panicking. Right?

Wrong.

Ludwig should really stop lying to himself. There was no way in hell that he was fine. His hands were trembling, and he was sitting rigid against the chair. His breathing was a bit faster then it normally would be, and he might have been going into shock. But he was holding it together. He had to.

There was no one else to do it for him.

His grip on his chair tightened, as one of the employees approached him. He stared silently and expectantly, waiting for news.

"It's going to be a while, sir, before we have a verdict." The young woman had black hair and a clipboard. Her feet shifted, and she glanced around the room, it being as devoid of people as when it had been when Ludwig arrived.

"Look," she said, "I know you already called your brother, who is flying from Austria as soon as he can. In the meantime, is there anyone else you can call?" Ludwig just shook his head. Since he moved, he hadn't really had a need to be social. His boyfriend had done that for him. There was no one from work he trusted with his personal life, and all of his other true friends were still in England. Or Japan. Or not talking to him. And none of them were really going to fly in, were they? His Bruder didn't even want to come.

Ludwig simply shook his head, rather than explain this. The woman looked disappointed but unsurprised by his decision.

"Alright. I guess I'll leave you alone now." She turned and walked to the doors on the other side of the room.

"Wait." Ludwig's voice was soft, but it was enough to make her stop and look back, her eyes seeming to bore holes into his soul.

"He has a brother. Lovino Vargas. He disappeared two years ago, but you might have better luck than I, trying to track him down." The woman frowned.

"Do you want him here?" Ludwig paused for a moment. Did he even want to see Lovino?

"No. But Feliciano is his brother. He deserves to know." The woman nodded, but paused again, just before the door.

"You're a good man Ludwig. Feliciano must love you very much."

Later on in life, Ludwig would remember this moment and wonder how the woman had known that the younger Vargas was his boyfriend. At the time he simply took it for what little comfort it was, and clung to the way her last words had been in the present tense, and not the past.

For the longest time, the only thing Gilbert could do was stare at the phone in shock. And then slowly the panic began to set in.

"Who was on the phone, Darling?" the smooth tones of his Fiancé echoed around the house, but the albino couldn't bring himself to answer.

"Gilbert?" The man in question took a moment to admire Roderich, as he pushed his wheelchair into the room. His once smooth hair was more rumpled than it used to be, and the pearly skin that Gilbert used to admire so much was now covered in burn scars. Gilbert counted himself one of the luckiest men in the world because his Fiancé had gone through all the hell he did, and survived.

But luck, it appears, had different ideas for him.

He looked from the phone in his hand, to the Austrian across the room, back to the phone in his hand, trying to figure out how to say the words that needed to be said, before the Austrians eyes locked on his face.

"Gilbert, what's wrong?" His tone was quiet and unassuming, a sharp contrast from the voices screaming inside, wanting to be heard, as much as ignored. Gilbert swallowed. He had to say something.

"Feliciano..." _was in a car crash. He's at the hospital, unstable condition. They don't know if he'll make it._ "Ludwig called… I" _Ludwig called from the hospital. This is the most shaken I've ever heard him. It scares me._ "I need to…" _get to the airport. Say this out loud._

But Gilbert didn't have to say anything at all. Those seven words were enough to capture the gravity of the situation if not the specifics. He pushed himself forwards and grabbed the hands of his Fiancé, who automatically lowered himself down so they were at eye level with each other.

"Get to the airport."

"But I…" _I'm scared Roderich. I'm scared that if I leave you alone, what happened to you will happen again, and this time I won't be around to save you._

"I'll call Elizaveta. Go." No words of comfort fell from his lips, but his arms were open when Gilbert fell into them, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I- I s-shouldn't l-leave you a-l-lone." He forced out.

"Shh, shh." Roderich's hands found there way into Gilbert's hair, stroking it soothingly. "Ludwig needs you more than I do, so dry those tears." He pulled the albino back so he could make proper eye contact. "Ludwig needs you to be strong."

The kiss between them wasn't long, or loving, but simply a comfort needed in the moment.

The last words spoken would linger in the air long after, when the Austrian was the only one in the house.

"I'll call Elizaveta. You go. Be the brother that yours needs."

The hospital did actually manage to get a hold of a particular Lovino Vargas, but it is yet to be seen whether that is a good thing…

**A/N: I'm Back! ... like any of you care, I only wrote one other story. Anyways, this is an idea I've had bouncing around for a while that I decided to write down. It's a little darker than I expected... but whatevs. I'll run with it.**

**I have absolutely no idea how it will end, so if anyone has any preferences... well I guess the question I should be asking right now is... Should I kill Feli?**

**Lame story title is lame! I may or may not think of a better one.**

**I also hate editing, so spelling errors are my fault, but I do not take responsibility. If it bothers you, complain, and I will go complain to someone else who will do something about it.**

**I really wish I owned Hetalia, but sadly I don't. Hence, fanfiction.**

**Insert stereotypical plea for reviews here.**

**Seriously, I won't be writing this thing in five days, like I did last time. Give me some incentive to write here!**


	2. Not Waking Up

**I don't own hetalia!**

**Warnings: Deliberate use of OOCness**

Gilbert had entered the ward, and the first thing he'd done was look for Ludwig. The blonde was sitting at the far wall, perfectly straight, hands gripping at the armrests, probably leaving dents. He could've just gotten there, but the pile of empty paper coffee cups said differently. It wasn't until Gilbert got closer that he noticed Ludwig's hair not being gelled back as thoroughly as it usually was, and his eyes were still red from crying. He didn't look up as Gilbert approached.

"Hey." The simple greeting was all that Gilbert felt he could force past his throat. Ludwig looked up sharply, meeting his brother's eyes.

"Gilbert," his voice was dry and raspy. "You came." He stood up slowly, touching his brother's cheek, as if to make sure he was really there. "You came!"

Gilbert pulled his brother into a hug, which Ludwig gladly reciprocated. He clung to Gilbert like a lifeline, and although the albino couldn't breathe he let his younger and somehow taller brother squish the life out of him, because he could now feel his little Luddy's tears.

Ludwig never cried.

Feliciano wasn't going to wake up.

He'd stabilized in a coma, and there was a chance that he could wake, but that chance was small. Large enough for hope, but small enough that hope would probably do more harm than good.

And Gilbert had to sit there while they asked Ludwig if he wanted to pull the plug. He'd tensed, half expecting his brother to snap, to stand up and start yelling, saying that Feliciano was fine, that he was going to come bursting in through the door saying he was okay, and demanding that they go out for pasta. He didn't.

Instead, Ludwig calmly explained that he didn't want that responsibility, and they should ask Feli's brother, when he finally got in, from… wherever he was.

Outside grew dark, and they waited while nothing happened.

People came and went, the clock hands moved, children cried, while others simply sat and stared, in shock. One man burst in and demanded to see his wife, and had to be escorted out by security. The desk staff changed. Gilbert sorted all the magazines alphabetically by title. Ludwig pretended to read National Geographic, but absorbed none of the words. They went to see Feliciano, but it only took about five minutes of Ludwig staring at his lovers still and quiet body for him to grow uncomfortable, and for the two of them to leave.

The hospital didn't want Ludwig staying the night again, and told Gilbert to take him home, and make him sleep in a proper bed.

The car ride home was long, and awkward.

Gilbert took Ludwig's keys, since the man seemed to be on auto pilot right now. He led his brother into the house, took one look at the room where he and Feli used to sleep, before guiding him to his guest room.

The bed was small, so it was a little awkward, but Gilbert held his brother, and stroked his fingers through his hair, crooning the lullaby, just as he did when the two of them were younger, and their father had come home drunk again.

Ludwig cried in his sleep, but the memory of the sting of the belt was probably enough to keep away the dreams of Feli.

Gilbert felt petty for using the technique, but this was his brother, and he wasn't sure what else to do.

And when the house was quiet, and the wrinkles formed on his brother's face has slowly smoothed out, Gilbert allowed his guard to come down.

And he too, cried himself to sleep.

Lovino arrived the next day.

Gilbert was going over the notes he'd made on Feliciano's condition, while Ludwig was putting in a small amount of effort into actually reading. He'd read the same paragraph five times over though, and only understood the 'however' on the fourth line from the bottom of the page. Gilbert was just about to tell Ludwig that he should go on a walk for a little bit, or at least get out of the dreary waiting room and find some coffee, when he appeared.

Whatever Gilbert had been expecting, it wasn't what he got. He'd been expecting the frantic antics of the second Italian twin. He'd expected yelling and swearing, and the possibility of thrown objects. He'd demand to know why he wasn't told first, and tell the two "potato bastards" present to fuck off and let him see his brother.

Lovino did none of that.

His footsteps were slow but sure, and his face calm and neutral. When he first saw him, Gilbert almost did a double take, because the man he saw barely looked like Lovino. He was wearing thick black boots, loose black pants, a black hoodie, a crucifix and biker gloves. Which was odd, because Gilbert distinctly remembered a time where Lovino had said "I hate wearing black, it makes me feel like I'm at a damn funeral." Did he think that Feliciano was already dead?

He approached the two of them with a solemn stride.

"Gilbert. Ludwig." Nothing but a nod of the head even indicated he was talking to them.

"Lovino," Ludwig's voice was soft in greeting, but Gilbert gave him nothing but a cold sneer. Lovino noticed, but didn't comment.

"So, my brother. What happened. How is he?" Gilbert was shocked to hear actual concern in his voice. Was he not the one who abandoned the entire Vargas family?

"Oh, he's cool ya know," Gilbert let the venom sink into his voice. "Besides the car crash and being in a coma, he's the spitting image of health." Lovino nodded, like this information wasn't delivered with malicious intent.

"Which room is he in? I want to see him."

"Yeah, like you care." Gilbert snorted.

"Bruder," Ludwig's voice was soft, "Not here." Gilbert gave his brother a concerned glance, but then returned his focus to the Italian, whose face had remained impassive throughout the exchange.

"Fine. Hallway B, room 702. Go find it yourself." Lovino's face did not break out of it's impassive mask, as he politely nodded, and then headed off down the hallway.

Gilbert sighed and picked up the notes again. He had more than a good enough reason to hate Lovino.

**A/N: The plot thickens! *gasp!*Or don't. FINE! Have it your way!**

**...**

**I'm so weird on the internet.**

**Anyways! This got out a little later than I'd of liked because my mom was being a mom and made me do homework. :(**

**But whatevs! It's here now!**

**Please rest assured that I have no idea what my updating scedule will be like, nor do I have any clue how long this will end up being. I've got the basic plot outlined, but I have no idea how many chapters it will end up being soooooo. yeah.**

**Just want to give a shout out to Little Miss Abrasive (fantastic name, by the way) for being the first to respond to something written in an authors note. It just maed my day.**

**Apologies to you though, I'm not killing Feli just yet. But he will be dying at some point in the future.**

**Sorry to all of you out there who wanted a miraculous recovery GerIta riding of into the sunset. I love GerIta to death, but it will never be anything but a side pairing.**

**You'll get some PruAus instead.**

**This is getting too long.**

**The tension is brewing. DUN DUN DUUUUN!**

**Random question time! Do you guys want flashbacks to Luddy and Feli's relationship, or Luddy and Gilbert's childhood?**

**And I only wrote today because of the review so... :P**


	3. Liar, Teacher

**I don't own Hetalia.**

**Mistakes are my fault, but do not blame me!**

If anyone asked what Lovino thought of his brother, he would have instantly told him that his brother was amazing, and that he loved him more than anything in the world. And there was a truth to that. Their parents had divorced, and their father disappeared. Their mother died in a car crash not long after, and the two boys had clung to each other. There was no doubt that the Vargas brothers loved and were loved. But there was more to it than that.

If anyone asked Lovino what he thought of Antonio, he would have told them he hated the damn bastard. And there was some truth to that too. The Spaniard was unable to distinguish the subtleties in the Italian, making Lovino more than annoyed and some of his repeated antics, and inability to show his softer side. Because there was only one side of Antonio Lovino ever saw. But he kept on trying, which was something that Lovino could never fault him for. Hate might have been a strong word.

When Lovino talked of receiving his invitation to the prestigious HetaliaAcademy, he always said that he was immensely grateful to be invited along with his brother. If anyone had bothered to get to know him well enough, they would have known that, the way the circumstances worked out, he would rather have not been invited. But since no one bothered, it might as well have been the truth.

You wouldn't even need to ask what Lovino thought of the Beilshmidts. They were annoying and obnoxious, and he especially hated the youngest one, Ludwig. And that was the most blatant lie of all.

The black clad man stared at his brother impassively. How was this even possible? His younger brother had been so full of life and radiance; he couldn't just stop, could he? That wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Lovino was the unlucky one; he was the one who was cursed. His brother shouldn't have to suffer. It wasn't allowed.

And yet here he was.

Lovino's hands found a death grip on the edge of the bed. His eyes didn't even begin to water, as he had no tears to shed. How could he? His brother had been dead to him long ago.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." His brother had trusted him. Right until the very end, Feliciano had trusted him. Lovino had betrayed that trust. He'd betrayed that trust and taken something so very, very precious from his brother, and there was nothing he could do to change it.

Feliciano had trusted him.

Lovino was so disgusting; he didn't even deserve to call him brother anymore.

Gilbert wandered down the halls of the school he would soon learn to call home. The hallways were empty, devoid of the students who had gone home for the summer. Normally Gilbert would have wanted to stay away from school for as long as he could but… this was boarding school. He had to get Luddy away as soon as possible. It was worth the few days alone in an empty building.

That didn't make it any less creepy though.

His footsteps echoed, one after the other, a rhythm that sounded blasphemous to the utter silence that the campus was filled with. It was there, looking out the window beside the freshman bio and physics room that he first heard it. The notes of a piano. From the window it sounded like a broken melody, but it did enough to break the silence that Gilbert decided to follow it.

Outside the science building, through a courtyard, Gilbert spotted an open window where he new the music must be coming from. But instead of entering the building, he decided to climb the tree to bring him closet to the second story window. From there eh could climb into the room and scare the shit out of whoever was playing, and that would be awesome.

His plan would have succeeded to, if the piano hadn't stopped. Gilbert paused, just about to put his weight on the windowsill, worried that he had done something to give himself away. Then, whoever it was who was playing played something very different.

Gilbert first thought it was like he had been deaf his entire life, and could suddenly hear. But as the melody and countermelody came together with skill that only a true master could bring, he felt like his heart had been ripped out of his body, purified by the music and then gently placed back in with the care of a saint. He felt like the music was touching his soul. Whoever it was wasn't just a master player. They were phenomenal. The emotion in the piece was almost enough to break Gilbert's hold on his tree branch, but Gilbert held on through sheer willpower alone.

Gilbert hadn't felt anything like this for… years. He had barely felt anything, having to harden himself to the world because of his asshole of a father. Gilbert had almost forgotten what it was like to have emotion. And yet somehow, all this mysterious piano player had to do was press a few keys and Gilbert felt like a real person again.

Gilbert felt slightly guilty at that. Here he was, seeking into a performance that was brilliant, but wasn't for him at all. He could easily have looked in the window, seen whoever it was that was playing, but he didn't. He decided to keep it a mystery.

It was going to be a game, he decided. To watch from afar to determine whom this mysterious player was, and then find some way to give back the gift that whoever it was had given Gilbert.

He dropped from the branch and to the ground, as the piano continued playing. And as he walked away, he could feel his steps getting lighter, making it easier to stride along the grass. And he also felt a weight settle on his heart, a weight of a debt that had to be paid.

Because this piano player wasn't just anyone. Whoever it was, was a miracle worker. He didn't just make emotions, or music.

He taught Gilbert to feel again.

**A/N: SOOOOO SORRRY! for this taking so long to publish. I swear I had the file 9/10ths done and open on my laptop for days before getting around to finishing it. It's almost exam time, and my homework load trippled. *please don't hit me***

**Anyways! Thanks for the reviews, always nice to have some feedback. I would look up names, but I'm lazy, and my mother is howering making sure I'm doing my homework. Yay!... not.**

**So it looks like we are doing everything in terms of flaskbacks... Well, I alredy had some PruAus planned. I will definately be giving Feli some flashback time, mostly just to torture Ludwig. The title was meant to be random, but the story is growing into it... heh heh heh. Not too sure what I will do with Gil and Luddy's childhood, that was a random detail I made up on the spot, but I'll probably make up more.**

**It may take me a while, but I WILL be finishing this fanfic. I may have to wait untill the exams are over, but I will get it done.**

**This A/N was supposed to be cheery about having a reviewer respond to an A/N. Being pissed at my mother takes up way to much of my time.**


	4. Just How Wrong

**Mistakes are my fault, but do not blame me!**

The car ride back to Ludwig's house was one of the most awkward things Gilbert had ever been forced to experience. Ludwig kept his hands on the wheel and his eyes on the road, without even bothering to scold his brother for fooling with the air conditioning. Lovino sat in the back, hands in his lap, staring out the window, his face impassive. Gilbert fidgeted. The tension in the car could be cut with a knife, but he seemed to be the only person who could acknowledge it. Ludwig was gripping the steering wheel harder now. He was holding back tears.

Gilbert looked back at Lovino. His expression could be described as "politely blank" Gilbert glared at the dashboard, as if it was the cause of his problems.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay here?" Lovino asked.

"Why, you got someplace better to be?" Gilbert didn't make much of an attempt to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

"I was just being polite." Gilbert is shocked when Lovino's tone in sincere. What happened to the feisty Italian he used to know?

Ludwig unlocked the door as a means of answer.

"Guest room is to the right, last door on your left. I'm assuming you have shit somewhere that you want a place to put." Gilbert's voice was cold.

"No, not really. I mean, my motorcycle is still at the hospital, but I can fetch that tomorrow."

"What, no toothbrush? No extra clothes? What are you homeless?" was Gilberts chosen snarky reply.

"Gilbert… nein. Not here." Ludwig's voice was dry, barely above whisper, but held enough authority to make his brother sigh, and leave the kitchen. Ludwig didn't even bother to look at Lovino as he progressed to his own room, but had either of them stayed to look, they would have noticed Lovino's hands, which had curled into fists.

The silence in the house felt odd.

Feliciano was running three steps ahead. With the sun on his face, gently reflecting off his hair, Ludwig always followed. That was the way it went with them. Feliciano pulled, and Ludwig followed. Feli had always been afraid that Ludwig would grow bored of him, so he always tried his hardest to make every day interesting.

And even if he didn't always succeed, Ludwig was proud of him. He'd had so much pain in his life, that he didn't expect to be granted such an angel, and yet, here he was. Ludwig was still occasionally surprised when he didn't run screaming.

But that was Feliciano for you.

Feliciano whom always fought the inevitable. Feli had known from the start that Lovino was going to hate Ludwig. He had known it from the moment he had walked into his dorm room to introduce the two of them. But he couldn't help but try and get the two of them to cooperate.

Which was what he was trying to do now.

Skipping along the street, towards the ice cream shop, with Ludwig following smartly, and Lovino dragging his feet sulking in the back. Feli had hoped that by running ahead, Lovino would talk to his almost maybe boyfriend, but no such luck. Lovino was stubborn like that.

"Ve, Lovi, there it is! I told you it was somewhere around here. Did you decide on which flavour you were getting?" Feli was surprised with the look of absolute hatred on Lovi's face as his eyes rose to meet his, but he quickly covered it to his usual scowl. But not quickly enough that Feli couldn't feel a wave of hurt. What had he done to make his brother look at him like that? He just wanted his potential boyfriend to win the favour of his brother. Was that so wrong?

Lovi was being difficult. He was always being difficult. He could never do anything just because his brother asked. But even though Feli loved his brother with everything he had, he would still choose Ludwig over his brother any day.

And as guilty as it made him feel, he couldn't stand by his brother forever. Lovino had to learn to let go, and let people in. He had to get a life, and he wasn't going to if Feli was coddling him.

So in that moment of frozen time, while the three of them were standing outside the ice cream shop, Feliciano made a decision. Damn his brother's warnings. He was going to peruse Ludwig with all he had, because he wanted him. Lovino was just going to have to accept and adapt.

And he ignored the clenching in his gut telling him that this was a very bad decision. It would all work out okay, of that he was sure.

A more cynical man than him would have later realised just how wrong he was.

Roderich smiled as the visitor approached once again. Ever since it had begun Roderich had always looked forwards to those few minutes in which the visitor would sit by the window Roderich always made sure was open, and listen to him play.

It wasn't as if he had ever seen him, so it could be a girl for all he knew, but for some reason he always thought of the mysterious visitor as a male. And it wasn't like he'd heard him approach either. Whoever it was had mastered the art of the silent approach.

But Roderich always knew. He was always able to tell.

The environment always seemed to shift, just a little. Time slowed down, and his fingers felt heavier on the keys. His music had someplace to go, instead of just bouncing around in a cacophonous echo.

The visirot never stayed for too long, but Roderich felt that for those four or five minutes, he was truly a master. For those minutes, bring listened to and not judged by some stranger he could see the face of, he could let go and really play.

He could abandon the expectations of him, let go of the teacher's cries for more precision, and simply play with pure raw emotion. It was so hard for him to even get close to that level of skill alone, but with his mysterious visitor hiding in the tree branches outside the far window, it felt like the easiest and most natural thing in the world.

To Roderich, that was all that really mattered.

**A/N: Yah-hallo! I've got another chapter! I'd like to say that updates will be coming quicker now that I'm in second sememster and have a spare at school, but I'm doin most of my writing nowadays at five in the morning. Awkward.**

**Anyways, after the headache of getting out of an advanced chemistry class that had me to tears over too hard homework on the first night (yes it really was this bad) well, I can be much more laid back now.**

**And I'm trying to write something every day, so I might get some sturf out, even if it isn't Twice Hopeless.**

**And thanks to Little Miss Abrasive, who has alterted me to the fact that my line breaks don't show up in FF. Let me know if this workd any better.**

**I'm going to estimate another four (?) chapters in this story, before it winds down.**

**Yay!**


	5. Hope and Despair

**Mistakes are my fault, but do not blame me!**

The kitchen was absolutely silent. Ludwig gripped his coffee cup like it was a lifeline, and Gilbert gazed out the window like it knew the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Lovino entered the room and started rummaging around in the cupboards.

"What are you doing?" Gilbert decided to break the silence. Lovino took out a frying pan.

"Cooking." As if Gilbert didn't know that.

"You hate cooking." Lovino put the pan on the stove and turned the heat up. He then rummaged around in the fridge.

"I never said that." He emerged with sausages and eggs.

"You hate cooking German food." Gilbert pointed to the sausages.

"I used too." Lovino poured olive oil on the pan, and looked satisfied when it started to sizzle.

"And now?" Gilbert was as curious as he was offensive now. Lovino looked back at him as he pulled an egg out of the container, and shrugged.

" Food is food."

Gilbert wondered what happened, because the old Lovino would never settle for anything less than the best. Or breakfast without tomatoes.

The silence in the kitchen resumed.

.

Ludwig was frozen. He still couldn't believe it, doesn't want to believe it. There is absolutely no way that Feliciano could be gone. And yet, he was.

He walked through the house and looked at the walls of memories. That photo he took when he and Feli were on a picnic, and the sun was reflecting off his hair. The painting Feli did when there was a thunderstorm outside, but he didn't want it to rain so he painted it not raining.

That chip in the paint when he had tripped because he was so excited about getting a new sofa that he forgot to watch where he was going.

Ludwig had never gotten around to fixing that.

And if Feli wasn't around to make more, he probably never would.

A small part of him wanted to hold onto hope, to believe that Feliciano could wake up from his coma that they could be together again. But the pessimistic side of him that was born under the hated light of his father takes over, and Ludwig no longer believed that there was any hope for Feliciano.

Hope found another way.

In his awkward rambling through the house, Ludwig found his way to the kitchen. And with his back turned Lovino, who had taken over cooking duties as a way to repay his hosts, looked just enough like his brother that Ludwig could pretend it was him. He could pretend that when the swaying figure turned around, he would have a bright cheery smile on his face and a bowl of pasta to offer.

Lovino never made pasta. Probably out of courtesy.

Ludwig watched from the doorway, as was very soon becoming his favourite pastime apart from staring at the walls in shock.

But then, something miraculous occurred.

It was only for a second, and if Ludwig hadn't been watching so intently, he would have missed it. Lovino turned, not fully, but just enough that you could see his face. The light from the window was shining in, and the sun was just setting, so the entire room was basked in a brilliant gold light.

And Ludwig's breath hitched, because Lovino was beautiful I his own way. Not in the completely adorable way that Feliciano was, but like the beauty of a dull stone. Not something that had much light to offer, but it had been polished over and over by many different hands, and despite the fact that it wasn't valuable, it just seemed to shine. Never if you looked directly at it, but out of the corner of your eye, it just seamed to glitter.

It was made precious by what it had been through, rather than what it was.

Ludwig didn't see it quite that way though. All he could see was that the man, who looked so much like his beloved Feliciano, simply wasn't him, and could never replace him.

It wasn't as if Ludwig wanted to replace Feliciano, he just wanted his heart to stop aching.

And the small but warm smile on Lovino's face wasn't enough to do that.

Ludwig left to go hide in his room again, just after Lovino turned back to continue his work.

Ludwig was certain Feliciano never smiled like that, so why did he have the feeling that he had seen this smile before?

It didn't really matter though.

There wasn't much else Ludwig could do, except cry.

.

It wasn't ever a series of weeks, but months that Gilbert noticed that his mysterious piano player had changed.

It started by getting just a little more technical, a little less heartfelt. Every few weeks, it seemed, the mysterious player lost just a little bit more of should he used to put into his music.

Gilbert had always managed to convince himself that it was worth going to see these private concerts, even though there really wasn't much point anymore. For the first few weeks, the only place he could bear to feel emotions was sitting on the tree on the outside window. Slowly but surely he'd managed to put more of himself out there, and now for once he didn't need to be stimulated by something like alcohol to be happy, or sad.

He didn't really need the piano player anymore to feel emotions. He could stop at any time, and not lose any part of himself, and it would probably help too, because then he would stop loosing so much sleep.

But some part of him felt bound to his ritual.

He tried to stop one night, but woke up anyways, and spent the entire night pacing his dorm room, unable to get back to sleep.

The next night, the piano player messed up. Gilbert sat, silently hoping that his mysterious savoir would revive and play as he used to, when the hands just, stopped.

They went back and played the same passage again, but couldn't seem to get past the part, and ended up just repeating over and over like a broken record.

It took three nights of broken records steadily getting worse and worse, for Gilbert to decide to do something. He wasn't quite sure what, but the next night, definitely, he was going to do something.

The next night, the piano man didn't show up.

Or the next night.

Or the night after that.

Gilbert, wasn't sure what to think. Some part of him was crying out in agony at the death of… something. Another was declaring Gilbert foolish for even getting attached. And there was the tinniest part of him that seemed proud that they had heard such a miracle in the first place. And Gilbert clung to that tiny piece, becoming intensely grateful that he had found such a treasure. But he didn't want the nights of silence to ruin that memory.

But, like it or not, Gilbert couldn't stop waking in the night, restless for some reason he couldn't identify.

He spent many a sleepless night staring up at the black window, just remembering. Why hadn't he taken the chance when he had it, and seen who was playing? Then he might have has some way to fill the soft indentation in his soul of something missing.

He didn't know what it was about that window, but for some reason standing outside in the chill of the night as winter changed to spring, seemed to help. The emptiness seemed to have, softer edges when he was there, watching.

He didn't even know why he still watched.

And yet, did.

**A/N: Longest chapter yet! I'm not quite sure how much longer this thing is going to be... I know the events that need to happen so, we'll see. God, I hate being sick.**

**I'm actually starting to get concerned, that I've messed up my entire year I've missed so much school.**

**... And I think the line breaks should work now.**


	6. Burning

**Mistakes are my fault, but do not blame me!**

Lovino sat in Ludwig's front yard, triple checking that he had all of his belongings on him, because if he forgot something, there was no way he was coming back. He heard the door open, and braced himself to explain his actions to Gilbert, but to his surprise it was actually Ludwig.

Somehow, that was worse.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"Yeah." Lovino saw no real reason to lie about that. There was no way he was telling the German his real reasons though. "I feel bad about infringing on your hospitality much longer."

Ludwig frowned. "So you're leaving?"

"Yeah," Lovino turned his back, but was not expecting Ludwig to chase after him, grab his hand and turn him back.

And suddenly Lovino was hyper aware of how close together the two of them were, and how Ludwig wasn't actually that much taller and they were both leaning in closer together. Then they were kissing, and Lovino wanted to pull away because of Feli, and yet he wanted to pull towards as well, because Ludwig was warm, and it had been so long since he had let himself feel… anything.

Then Ludwig was stroking his face and whispering, "Please don't leave Lovi. You're the only part of him I have left."

Then Ludwig turned and made his way back to the house, leaving Lovino more broken then he was before.

.

"Luddy!" Feliciano's shrill voice was echoing throughout the house, making Lovino grind his teeth together. Did his brother really have nothing better to do than fawn over his boyfriend?

"Luddy, do you think we could adopt kids? Not right now, I mean, we'd have to get married first, but don't you think it would be nice?"

Lovino felt his breath freeze in his throat, as he listened to Ludwig's calm reply of

"Maybe we should just take things one step at a time."

Honestly what was he even doing here? Lovino could easily tell that his brother and the potato bastard were happy together, and even though it was technically his as Feli's house… It didn't feel like it.

Lovino got up off the couch and went to his room, not wanting to listen to any more of the conversation.

He felt like an intruder. There Feliciano was, making plans for his future, and all Lovino was really doing was, holding up the progress. Because as much as Feli wanted it, there really wasn't much space to do well, anything as long as Lovino and his boxes of crap remained around.

It wasn't really the boxes though. There wasn't any attachment to them, but Feli didn't throw them out, worried of upsetting his brother.

_Is this all my life has come to? My only purpose is to just take up space in my brother's house, and interfere with his life? The life he dearly wants to live, but can't because of me?_

And suddenly Lovino was angry. At himself, at the world, and his inability to move on. Well, it was obvious that he wasn't going to move on here. Here, in this house with his brother and Ludwig, were only memories.

Those memories were precious, but lingering would ruin them. And if he didn't belong here, maybe the only place he belonged was in memory.

If he left now, would the memories of him be happy ones? Would they reflect the good times, without so much emphasis on the bad? Even if he couldn't, could his memory be saved in the minds of those who knew him?

Lovino would have to believe they would, because it was the only thing that was going to be keeping him alive for a long time.

He snuck down the stairs, out the back door, and into the garage. There in the corner was what he was looking for. A motorbike.

The only gift he got, when Grandpa Rome passed on. Feli got a house, two cars and a huge inheritance, and what did Lovino get? A bike.

But he had to hand it to his grandfather, who seemed to have provided exactly what was needed to accomplish his goal, despite being beyond the grave.

And it wasn't like Lovino had used the damn thing, it had just sat there gathering dust. Feliciano probably wouldn't notice it was gone. And by the time Ludwig did, Lovino hoped he would be too far gone to find.

He pulled it out into the street, wiping off a layer of dust from the seat, before mounting.

He looked at the house, could see the warm lights of the television he'd left on glowing faintly, and quietly said his goodbyes.

Then he was gone.

The road ahead of him was long, and he had no idea what he was looking for, but he knew he'd know it when he found it.

The life of Lovino Vargas was over. The man on the bike was putting away that past, and pulling out a new slate to begin writing on. He wasn't going to be the swearing brother who took everything for granted anymore. He was going to work to find… something. Something worth fighting for.

And when he found it, maybe he'd come back.

.

"Roderich! Roderich! RODERICH!"

"Sir, your going to have to calm down, there is nothing you can do now!"

"Roderich, no. Roderich!"

"Sir, please! Calm down!"

"No, please, I have to— I have to get to him."

"Goddamit man, calm down!"

"No! Let me go I have to—"

"Sedate him!"

"RODERICH!"

Roderich was burning. It was an old building. Roderich had been brought in to play for a social even of some sort, Gilbert hadn't paid much attention to, until he arrived to pick him up and found the building in flames.

The rest of the day had been sort of a blur, but he knew he had to have been restrained by two firefighters when he tried to charge headfirst into the flames.

Scheiße, they'd only started dating just a little over a year ago, this was too soon.

But as he clung on to his lovers unresponsive hand, in a craped and uncomfortable hospital chair, he had to count his blessings.

Roderich was lucky to be alive. Not everyone had made it. Sure he'd be scarred, and might never walk again, but that didn't really matter to Gilbert. The only thing that really mattered was the soft heartbeat he felt within his lovers hand.

A hand that twisted for a moment, relaxed, and then tightened, and Gilbert's heart lept into his throat. He held his breath, waiting, afraid he miss the opening of those beautiful violet eyes.

He didn't.

"Gil-bert," Roderich's voice was soft, but he was talking. He was awake.

"Roderich." Gilbert's voice responded of its own accord, because all Gilbert could do was cling to the hand which now squeezed back, feebly, but it was still there. Roderich was still there.

"Well, that sucked." Roderich's dusty voice whispered out into the darkness, and Gilbert burst out laughing, more to do with a release of tension, but also with the fact that his lover had taken a leaf out of his book, and was making jokes in the most inappropriate moments.

Gilbert's hand tightened almost painfully on Roderich's.

"I thought I'd lost you." Gilbert's voice was soft.

"So did I," Roderich whispered, clinging onto Gilbert's too tight hand like it was his lifeline.

Gilbert swallowed hard. This experience had taught him something. That life is precarious. There is no guarantee that the precious alliance they had could even survive to see tomorrow. And Gilbert didn't think he could survive losing Roderich again.

"Roderich… Will you marry me?"

**A/N: Double update! That makes up for how crappily I've been updating things! Or something.**

**Yeah.**

**And... there will be two more chapters after this, just a heads up. Not sure if I'll get them done today or not, but yeah.**

**So... does this chapter work? Do the emotions make sence and everything?**

**And below is some lines I wanted to include... and had no idea where to put. Yay!**

"Ve~ Ludwig. I called Lovino for dinner, he's not coming down. Should I go get him?"

"No, let him be. He's been a bit off lately, and I don't think he wants to be disturbed."

"Oh."


	7. Coward

**Mistakes are my fault, but do not blame me!**

**.**

Gilbert wasn't as happy about this as he should have been. Roderich was out of the hospital now, and was coming home for the first time. And Gilbert knew that given Roderich's condition a haphazard life spread over two apartments just wasn't going to work. So he did something completely stupid and irrational.

He'd bought a house.

The house wasn't anything close to the three story mansion that was Roderich's home of dreams, but it was nice. Cosy even.

It wasn't like Roderich would never walk again. There was treatment and exercises that could be done, and though he'd never get the strength back that he used to have, he could at least get better.

He could get better.

Gilbert swallowed hard. Sure Roderich could get better but… He'd refused the treatment.

Gilbert had pushed Roderich into the house, and through the rooms, trying to give him a feel of the place. Roderich's grip on his hand was weak, and his smile was small, but at least it was there. But when they got to the room where Gilbert had moved Roderich's piano, the smile just seemed to fade. The amusement left. The room suddenly seemed filled with half expressed pain, and a sense of subtle hopelessness.

Like something along the way broke, and though the wheels were still turning, a piece of the soul had been left behind.

"Do you want to play it?" Gilbert asked.

"Eventually. Show me the kitchen."

Gilbert didn't hear piano in the house for weeks.

Gilbert didn't hear piano in the house for weeks, and when he finally did, it wasn't like the usual flowing pieces that came with his lover. It was just, disjointed.

Gilbert entered the music room to find Roderich staring at his hands, silent tears brimming in his eyes.

Gilbert didn't make a noise as he entered the room, but somehow Roderich knew he was there and looked up to meet his eyes. And then the tears began to fall.

"Roderich, what's wrong?" Gilbert crossed the room to fall at his lover's feet. "Baby, please, tell me what's wrong."

"I can't do it, Gilbert. I can't do it anymore. I used to be so good and now I can't force my hands to do the same things anymore. I just can't."

And Gilbert felt a little bit of his soul break, because to Roderich, music was everything. He would stay with Roderich forever but Roderich would never be the same.

"Shh, shhh it's okay. Don't force yourself." Gilbert pulled Roderich into a tight hug, running his fingers through his smooth dark hair. Roderich pulled back to look into his eyes.

"I know this is the part where I'm supposed to be all selfless, and tell you that you don't have to bother with me if you don't want to, but I don't think I have the strength. Please don't leave me Gilbert. I don't think I can loose anything else."

And Gilbert clung to his broke lover, which was the only thing he wanted in the world, and felt tears spring into his own eyes.

"Never. I could never leave you after this."

.

Lovino had been traveling for a few months when he found it. It wasn't anything special, just an abandoned church in a never heard of town, but there was something about it that just, drew him in.

There were holes in the roof of the chapel, where water damage had gotten the best of the old wood, but the natural light almost made it: magical. Amidst the rubble in a few piles on the pews, and around the cracking windows, plant life had slowly made it's way into the building.

There was a room off to the side which still had a full roof and seemed pretty windproof, and there was a yard that looked like it used to be a garden that was now overrun with weeds.

But despite the disarray of the church, it seemed that it only added to the majestic qualities of the building.

And despite the fact that Lovino told himself he was only staying for the night, he never really left.

.

Lovino waited until the moon was high in the sky to leave the German's house. He really didn't want to cause another scene. He'd almost made it out safely, when the kitchen light snapped on, and Lovino was met with the face of an extremely angry Gilbert.

"Where are you going?" Gilbert's voice was dark. Lovino just stood, and clenched his fists.

"You're leaving, aren't you? You can't bear to see the brother you abandoned on his death bed, so you're taking the cowards way out again, and running."

"You don't understand…"

"Don't understand! What's not to understand! You're a coward, plain and simple, except it's not enough to ruin your brother's life, you have to ruin my brother's too!"

"I didn't—"

"You are a weekling that shouldn't have even shown their face. By god man, you don't even have any respect for you brother's boyfriend, a brother you claimed to love and then threw that love back in his face when you abandoned everyone that you—"

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

Gilbert paused, and took a moment to study his opponent.

"You don't even care about my bro—"

"Of COUSE I love Ludwig!" Lovino screamed at the top of his lungs. "That's why I left in the first place!"

And Gilbert's mind ground to a halt.

"What?"

"I didn't abandon him. I betrayed him. He had something beautiful and I didn't want to ruin that, so I left."

"I saw the two of you—"

"He told me I was the only part of Feliciano he had left. And as much as I'd love to stay here and be with him, I can't do that to myself. Because he looks at me, and kisses me, but I know he isn't seeing me, I'm just Feli's replacement! And if I stay, he's never going to get over him."

"So you running—"

"PLEASE! Please, let me move on with my life, Gilbert. Let me let go of the memories that haunt my past. Let me leave behind the love that I don't deserve to have."

Gilbert couldn't move. He couldn't quite process what was going on, what was being said. This had to be the truth, but it couldn't be the truth because that was too painful.

"I'll be going now." Lovino's voice was soft. "The decision on what to do with Feliciano is entirely up to you, but if it were me, I'd pull the plug. Give Ludwig the same chance I have."

Gilbert nodded, his throat to dry to speak. Lovino went for the door, but hesitated.

"Gilbert, if you do decide to actually… Tell him it was me. Because this will be so much easier for him if Ludwig has someone to blame."

And then Lovino was gone and Gilbert was falling on the floor in a mixture of hate, mistrust, despair, and confusion.

.

Lovino and Ludwig first met outside the school library. Ludwig had a spare that he wanted to study in. He and Lovino had met at the door, whom at the time was simply a mildly attractive stranger, and Lovino pushed the door open and held it for Ludwig.

He'd only greeted him with a "Hey," and a soft smile before they parted ways inside the library, but Ludwig was thinking of that tender smile for the full hour he was supposed to be on spare.

When Feliciano, thinking they didn't know each other, introduced them, Ludwig saw that heart warming smile again. But when Feli continued saying that Ludwig was HIS best friend and that they were going to study together all the time, and hang out and be the bestest of friends…

The smile faded so fast that Ludwig forgot it was ever there in the first place.

And the heart that had been given a single chance to see the light slammed its doors shut and hid so far down that everyone just gave up on it.

.

"You know sir; you don't really have to be so secretive," was the voice that greeted Lovino as he stepped out of the building into the night. He turned to see a girl, maybe fourteen, leaning up against the fence. Lovino froze.

"No one's going to get mad at you for living in the church. In fact, we've wanted another resident in it for a while now."

"Really? But… why?"

"It's a church. It's there for anyone who needs it."

.

**A/N: Alright, so one more chapter after this. Woot! Or possibly boo if you like this story and want it to continue.**

**For once I have a chapter dictated not by how long it is, but the content that needed to go in it! sooooo... YAY!**

**Hope you guys won't be dissapointed with the ending.**

**But yeaaaaaaah.**

**And guys, I'm gonna be bored while waiting for my Angst/Depressing creativity bar fills back up, so if you write a request for a oneshot in a review I will probably end up writing it. My only restriction is that it has to be Hetalia!**


	8. Twice Hopeless

**Mistakes are my fault, but do not blame me!**

Gilbert had given up on ever hearing the mysterious piano player again, when something happened. There wasn't any music, or anything, just the sound of footsteps in the room. Gilbert held his breath, waiting for sound to echo again in the room. But instead of hearing beautiful music, all he heard was a muffled sob.

Gilbert hesitated, but eventually climbed through into the window, and into the music room.

There was a man on the far side of the room. He was silhouetted by the moonlight, and had his back turned to Gilbert.

"Why?" The man was the first to speak, seemingly aware of the fact that Gilbert had entered the room. "I used to be able to feel so much… why… why can't I feel anymore?"

He turned to let Gilbert see his face, and Gilbert felt his heart break a little to see that his beautiful violet blue eyes were swimming with tears that he couldn't shed.

"Can you tell me? Can you tell me how to feel again?"

Gilbert swallowed hard and took a few more steps into the room.

"Are you sure you want to ask that of a total stranger? Surely you have some friends that could help."

"Friends?" the man chuckled with dry and humourless laughter, "I don't have friends."

"You do now." Gilbert took a few steps forwards.

"Who are you?" the man whispered.

"Gilbert Beilschmidt. And you are?"

"R-Roderich. Edelstein."

Gilbert felt a small smile touch his lips, as he pulled Roderich into a hug, and felt the other man's body shake against his.

"How? How am I supposed to do this, live like this?" Roderich was crying now, Gilbert could feel the wetness soak into his shirt, but he didn't really mind that much, because here was his beautiful, illusive, piano player going through everything he himself had. And maybe Gilbert could help him too.

"Shh, it's okay. I happens sometimes," Gilbert stroked his hands through Roderich's deep brown hair, calming him further. "You start with breathing. Keep concentrating on your breathing and just let everything else out. Holding it in only hurts more, so just let it all out, let it all go."

And Roderich stood there, letting all his emotional barriers fall down and collapse into the stronger arms of the albino in front of him, whispering sweet nothings into his ears until the tears stopped and the sun rose.

And Roderich never really left those arms, it just took him a while to realise that Gilbert was just as ensnared as he was.

.

Gilbert stared down at Feliciano's sleeping face. He looked so peaceful, avoiding the calamity that stirred in Gilbert's mind. Everything seemed distorted now.

_"Of course I love Ludwig! That's why I left in the first place!"_

_"Please, let me move on with my life, Gilbert. Let me let go of the memories that haunt my past. Let me leave behind the love that I don't deserve to have."_

_"Tell him it was me. Because this will be so much easier for him if Ludwig has someone to blame."_

_"I'm just Feli's replacement! And if I stay, he's never going to get over him."_

Gilbert stared down at Feliciano's sleeping face, jealous that the sweet little Italian didn't have to make such a painful decision. How is that a choice that anyone can make? Either kill you brother's boyfriend, or watch him suffer a future of loneliness because his lover isn't going to wake up.

Gilbert ran a hand through his hair. No option seemed to be the lesser of two evils, and had he only been concerned for his brother, he knew exactly what he would have chosen. But Lovino's final words kept ringing inside his ears, mutating just a little bit more every time. In the end, it wasn't about the choice that made his brother happy in the end. Gilbert had to choose the one he could live with.

Lovino ran away from home, because he was in love with his brother's boyfriend. Gilbert had been so sure that Lovino didn't care at all about his family, but instead it was the exact opposite. He didn't want to make Feli choose between his brother or his lover. He made the choice for him.

And all he was asking from Gilbert was simply an opportunity to move on. Not the keys to his brother's house, to have the thing that he truly wanted. In the end, Lovino cared for his brother so much that even when Ludwig openly asked for him, he wasn't willing to overstep his brother's claim.

He just wanted a chance to get over it. To move on. Gilbert might not be able to fix this mess, but he could give his brother the same chance.

Gilbert swallowed hard, and made his decision.

Feliciano was going to die.

.

Ludwig stood over his beloved's grave, tears pouring down his eyes. A part of him didn't want to believe that Lovino could do such a thing to his own brother, but a small secret part of himself was relieved that he didn't have to make such a choice himself.

In his pocket he held a picture. It was one of Feliciano's favourites, the last one ever taken where both him and his brother were smiling.

Ah, Feliciano's smile. It was something that Ludwig would wake up extra early for, just so that he could have a chance to make his lover breakfast in bed, and that he could be proud for being the one to put the smile on his face.

But Ludwig was a fool.

Because every time he thought of his lovers laugh, his bright smile and sweet embrace, his memories were always tainted by the sultry, and slightly spicier tone of his twin, that Ludwig couldn't get out of his mind.

He pulled out the picture, seeing two smiling faces that he knew he would never see again, and his tears fell harder.

Twice hopeless…

.

The plane from Germany to Austria was late in landing, and Gilbert sat tense in his seat the entire time.

His mind kept on replaying the same few scenes over and over again, but despite the fact that his heart was conflicted, his conscience was clear. As painful as it was, Gilbert was sure he had made the right choice for the long term. It would be painful for his brother, he knew, but it better than dragging the whole thing out.

His plane touched the ground, and he gathered up his few belongings. And as he slowly walked down the stairs to find his finace who was meeting him at the airport, he was amazed to see Roderich not broken, but standing on his own two feet, though leaning heavily on crutches.

And when Roderich met his smile with one of his own, Gilbert lost his control, and ran to him, almost knocking him over with a powerful hug, ignoring the strange looks of the other people in the airport, and Elizaveta watching with tears in her eyes.

Roderich was walking, and that was the only thing that mattered.

The ride home was filled with laughter and smiles and loving glances. Everything was going to work out, because somewhere out there, a silenced voice now began to sing again, as smooth fingers once again picked up what they'd lost.

And a piano rang out in the night.

.

**A/N: Aaaaaaaand, that's all folks! Yay! Feli finally died!**

**Thank's for sticking around and reading this, hopefully you enjoyed it, to some extent.**

**Not to sure what else I'll be writing, but I will be doing something so stick around.**

**If you have any ideas for oneshots of interesting stories and you want someone to write them, I actually really enjoy writing challenges, so throw whatever you want at me, and given my littw known views, it's likely that I'll actually write them. And on that note, I know I haven't written any smut, and I know some authors can't write it, and I don't know if I can, but again I like a challenge and I am willing to try things of that nature as well.**

**Rosemary Bagels out!**


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